Open Letters

I’d rather live a life of Oh Wells, rather than a life of What ifs.

I really fucking miss him. I shouldn’t and I need to move on, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard being strong. I hurt every night and I hate sounding like a sad girl complaining on the internet about a boy that she drove away, but I am.

I read this on reddit today and the tears came and the hurt started. 

I used to play a lot of meaningless online games. In one of these I started talking to a girl, she was 18 at the time, I was ten years older. It was absolutely nothing sexual or romantic, we were just two people playing the same game along with dozen of others in the same group. I had been with my girlfriend for two years at the time and I was happy.

Fast forward one year and I propose to my girlfriend. She says yes. I still keep in touch with the now 19yo girl on skype, we still play the same game. We’ve become good friends. Maybe there was a little flirting going on but on my part it was mostly a joke, I mean, she was 19, I never for a second thought it would lead anywere and for the longest time, it didn’t.

A year goes by, I’m married now and I was happy. Still in touch with the now 19yo girl on and off, still some light flirting. Then shit hits the fan. My wife preassures me to have a child, something I don’t quite feel ready for. This drives a wedge between us over time and really fucks up our life together. Sex stops being fun between all the ovulation tests, pregnancy tests and violent mood swings that range between “I need to get fucked now, I’m ovulating” and “I can’t believe you still haven’t managed to knock me up, what the fuck” -> tears of depression.

While this is going on my job has me traveling to this other girls home town on a monthly basis. We meet up, just for fun, for coffee. Holy shit. She’s cuter than I thought and VERY sexually aggressive. Nothing happens though but she made it very clear that she wanted to. A few months go by during which my relationship with my wife deteriorates further. This other girl starts making it very clear to me that she wants me. After about 5 months and one emotionally soul rending miscarriage I feel like it’s over and I tell my wife so. I move out the same night, staying at a friends place until I can sort my shit out. Next week and I’m out of town on business again. The other girl says she wants to meet. Bored after a week in a small hotell room I agree. We meet one summer afternoon for a picknick at a secluded beach.

I pick her up after work. She’s a vision of beauty with her 50’s style summer dress and straw hat. Honey blonde hair, beautiful green eyes, those deadly curves reserved for girls in their late teens, you get the picture. After a we’ve eaten, she pretty much jumps me. This catches me off-guard, no way was I prepared for this girl being so forward. She basically straddles me as I watch the clouds and kisses me, fiercly. We make out for a while and pretty soon the make-out session has progressed to heavy petting. She’s constantly the one pushing things forward. We end up having sex right there. Honestly, at 30 I was pretty sure my days of fucking 20yos were long gone.

We met a few more times that week, always at her initiative. Always ended up having sex. After that week I went back home. I though about my life a lot. I spent a lot of time just walking the streets thinking. Summer gives way to autumn. I see my wife a couple of times, we’re not exactly on the best of terms but nor are we enemies. We talk a lot about our relationship and why it ended.

One rainy evening as I say on my friends couch wondering what to do with myself and my life I called my wife (we hadn’t gotten around to finalizing the divorce yet). I ask her if she wants to talk. She does. We take a long walk (a good two hours in the freezing cold). I start off by telling her about the other girl (whom I’ve since excluded from my life), I tell her everything, no fucking secrets. She asks me why I’m telling her this. I tell her. I tell that she’s the best thing ever to happen to me. I tell her my life is empty without her, how nothing and noone can ever fill the space by my side she left behind and how I was too much of an idiot to see that. We have dinner and talk (after we’ve both stopped crying). She tells me she was stupid for trying to preassure me into having kids, I tell her I was an idiot for not having the balls to say that I didn’t feel ready for it.

Over the course of the next few weeks we talk and see each other on a more regular basis. Finally, one late night after a long walk we’re at our old kitchen table having coffee. As I get up to leave she looks at me with tears in her eyes and with the tiniest of voices whispers “Please don’t go”. I swear I have never heard something so sweet in my entire life. We hold each other close and cry. Eventually we fall asleep on the couch, still holding on to each other like our lives depended on it. She asked me not to go, and I never will.

Sleep is nestled in a far away place and doesn’t seem to be wanting my company. 

 Listening: Lily Allen. Her music makes me laugh but it’s so catchy. Damn the UK. She sings of such random scenarios and I can relate to most of them. I assume that is why she is so enticing. Also her rhyming. 

Bars. That’s what I’ve been doing these past couple of weeks. I’ve never been much of a drinker but alcohol has been my best friend. I hope this relationship doesn’t develop into something more. I just want to be friends. I’ve been trying to branch out and making/revitalizing my friendships for they have never played a stronger role. Don’t get me wrong, I cherished them for what they were before, but with the lifestyle I was living, I just had him. I pushed them aside and didn’t understand the substantial impact they had on a person. From being alone, I have learned that they are really the people that will keep me going and keep me sane no matter what circumstance. I am very thankful for what I have and for those that have stuck with me during these times. Without them, I would have diminished within my apartment. So, thanks. On a positive note, I am getting better at this being alone lifestyle. This I am proud of. Still haven’t mastered it, but the war is settling. 

Realization: I shouldn’t talk nor text when I’m drunk. I’m very good at making a fool out of myself but it doesn’t bother me too much. That or the outcomes haven’t come to bite me in the ass yet. I’m waiting. Ok, I lied. There have been some repercussions but nothing I can’t live with. I’m young and I’m having fun. If I look like a fool, then a fool I am. Another realization, I’m in such a mind set of either being in a relationship or friends with benefits type behavior. There is no “letting things happen and go from there.” That’s something I need to change, but I’m so conditioned. I need to breathe. I am enjoying my time but I need to just let things go. I need to let things take it’s own course. I need to lose my control and quit over analyzing emotions. Take it for what it is. But damn. It’s so hard. But this is a virtue that I need to disable if I want to truly enjoy what I’m given. I don’t know what I keep chasing after, but I need to just run. 

Rant: Ihave some lame friends who don’t watch MadMen. And with the explosiveness of the last episode, I’m dying inside. Also, Game of Thrones. I was screaming by the end of it. If he died…if he fucking died. 

I’m sorry.

“Never settle” they say.